I wanted to give ya’ll a little glimpse into my love life! Every relationship has its ups and downs. Here are a few things I have learned in life that have made the relationship I have with my soon to be husband unbreakable!
I would like start with if you are in a relationship right now, that person wants to be with you! You are on the same team. Remember that, SAME TEAM. No matter what, everything should go through you two. Family and friends like to butt into relationships sometimes, or create these unrealistic expectations as to how a relationship should be or how a man or woman should be in a relationship but at the end of the day, you are with each other, and you are on the same team! Anything anyone says about the person you love, should be taken with a grain of salt. Always go to the source, your partner! I see a lot of relationship issues due to family and friends “giving advice” as to how things should be. You and your partner are the only ones that know what really goes on between you two! I just wanted to throw that out there.
- EXPECTATIONS, THROW THEM THE FUCK OUT! – When Petar (my soon to be husband) started dating we have had issues with previous relationships and had these stupid ass expectations. I don’t want to bad mouth previous relationships because they all taught me different things and I have only matured and grown from them. In the beginning I expected Petar to open doors for me everywhere we went and the reason why was because in my previous relationship, which has nothing to do with my current relationship with Petar, (you see where I’m going with this?) my previous partner was “chivalrous” and always opened the car door for me, the store door anything like in the handbook, and bought me gifts all the time. I went into the relationship thinking this was how it’s going to be, I should get gifts and doors opened for me. Obviously, this is ridiculous. Petar on the other hand came from a emotionally manipulative relationship where he needed to be the “perfect” boyfriend. I’m not saying Petar doesn’t open doors for me, but on that occasion we arrived to the gym and he didn’t open the car door. I asked Petar why isn’t he open the door for me, he gets bothered. I realized that I was being particular in that moment. I was basically expecting him to be a certain way. Moral of the story: don’t have unrealistic expectations of your partner. If you badger them on what you want them to do they will start to resent you. Allow them the freedom to choose to do things on their own. Don’t make it a requirement! This leads to my 2nd point.
- DON’T EXPECT YOUR PARTNER TO DO THE SAME SHIT HE OR SHE DID WITH THEIR PREVIOUS PARTNER AND DON’T COMPARE YOUR CURRENT RELATIONSHIP TO YOUR PAST RELATIONSHIP! – Leave the past in the past. Your partner is not with the other girl or guy and vice versa. Don’t bring shit from previous relationships into new relationships. I see it all the time, “well in my previous relationship my ex used to do this for me or that”. SHUT THE FUCK UP. If you are so obsessed what with was done in the previous relationship then why aren’t ya’ll together??? This causes resentment towards your partner and feelings of not being good enough. Guess how long that’s going to last? (Not that long trust me!)
- HAVE SELF-RESPECT TO HAVE RESPECT FOR YOUR PARTNER – I am sure this has been said a million times but loving yourself is extremely important before you can truly love someone else and give them your all. One of the cardinal sins of being in a relationship is jealousy! It’s important to build trust and mutual respect in a relationship, however; you can not be insecure about being with your partner. Guess what, humans are social beings. We communicate and interact with different people daily. You cannot become jealous that your partner because of this. I’m not ruling out instances of your partner breaking your trust to make you feel a certain why, but my question is: Why would you be with someone whom you can’t trust? Exactly you can’t! It’s not healthy! It’s also not healthy to project emotions of jealousy towards your partner. You need to fix your self esteem issues first. It’s not your partner’s responsibility to “cure” or “fix” your insecurities. Listen I’m not talking about the people you’ve dated that have broken your trust. If you are this person, be by yourself, learn to love yourself. Learn to not give a fuck before you even considering getting into a relationship where all your insecurities will lash out on your partner again.
- TRUST YOUR PARTNER WILL ALWAYS DO RIGHT BY YOU, NO MATTER WHAT SITUATION THEY’RE IN – This goes back to the idea of same team mentality. Do not ever be accusatory towards your partner. You picked them for a reason right? You trust them, love them and know they will have your best interest in mind? An example: Petar has gatherings with his co-workers and sometimes (life happens) it crosses his mind (I’ve done it myself) and the day comes and he says “oh, by the way I am doing an outing with my co-workers tomorrow.” You can either take it as your partner is withholding information from you and lying (accusatory) or you can believe (you trust your partner right?) to really have forgotten because life just happens. If you are always accusatory and think your partner is withholding information from you or not telling you everything then fix that, change it. Same team, remember?! This also leads to resentment. Think about this. By being accusatory you are telling your partner that they are a liar and you don’t believe them or trust them.
- DON’T ASSUME, ASK DIRECTLY AND LISTEN – Don’t assume things about your partner. Throughout the years I have learned that when Petar is quiet, he’s not angry or upset. I’ve learned that he’s a day dreamer. He has an interesting mind, that I’ve come to appreciate. I would get uncomfortable when he’d get quite on me. To my surprise we had a great conversation about it. I asked him, and he responded, “Babe, you do realize you’re asking me a loaded question.” I had no clue what he was talking about. He continues saying, “Sometimes when I’m quiet it’s a reset button for my brain. I have multiple thoughts that course through my mind throughout the day. I like taking moment to reflect on things.” Then he begins telling me more…what I realized in that moment is Petar made me feel comfortable about exploring things about myself. Petar I learned is fascinated with consciousness and how your mind perceives information.
- GIVE YOUR PARTNER YOUR FULL ATTENTION! – Sometimes when I’m watching a show or movie, Petar starts talking, depending on what it is I’ll pause the show I’m watching to give him my undivided attention. Let’s face it, you can not be completely engaged in a conversation while you’re trying to decipher what’s on the screen. It’s too much to process all at one time for your brain. Out of mutual respect we reciprocate actively listening with one another. BE ENGAGED! There’s a difference between talking to someone and actively listening.
- BE SELFLESS – Petar and I always get the other water, or food when one of us gets up to get ourselves water or food. When he gets ups to get water for himself, he gets me a glass too. Sometime he is not about to get water but I just ask him while he is up and he does it. I do the same. The other day I just said I wanted coffee out loud, just because I wanted coffee and Petar just said “you want me to make you some.” I was like fuck yeah. I didn’t ask or wasn’t expecting it but he made the choice to just do it just because. Being selfless in a relationship is extremely important. If one person is willing to give their all and the other doesn’t and just takes and takes, resentment grows and it doesn’t end well. Be equally selfless. Give and take as equally as possible.
- DON’T TAKE EACH OTHER TOO SERIOUSLY – Waking up next to the person you love is truly amazing. Waking up with the person you love and just laughing and being goofballs is even better! Waking up laughing is a great start to your day. I suggest you get yourself a partner that doesn’t take themselves too seriously and is willing to make fun of themselves. Petar always finds a way to make me laugh. He is so corny, but to me it’s hilarious and it’s what makes me love him even more.
- LAUGH EVERY DAY – Pretty simple, get over shit. Laugh about it.
- DON’T GO TO BED MAD – Don’t let things fester, don’t ignore things. This is only going to lead to resentment and snowballing and eventually lashing out on each other. Talk about IT. Talk, it’s okay to disagree but don’t accuse, compare, yell or scream. Just talk and be expressive. Let your partner voice their feelings without interrupting and playing the blame game. I can’t remember the last time Petar and I had a conflict or argument. I have to think hard about this one, but we have had our fair share of disagreements!
- CHECK-IN – It’s the little things that matter more than anything; not extravagant gifts like an expensive watch or purse or car. Even though Petar and I have busy schedules at work, we always find a way of saying hi to each other throughout the day no matter what. It’s important to make your partner feel valued and thought of. We are going on 6 yrs together and we always say good morning or good afternoon, or I love you. We always kiss goodbye in the morning, we kiss when we come back from work, always. When I am asleep and Petar is going to work he kisses my forehead when I leave, I kiss his.
- DON’T COMPARE YOURSELF TO ROMANTIC MOVIES, OTHER RELATIONSHIPS AND WHAT YOU SEE IN SOCIAL MEDIA – People still do this. Remember movies are fake. They portray the perfect situation and the perfect ending or whatever. In reality this is not the case! We fantasize especially women as how things need to be in a relationship based on movies. It’s unrealistic! We use previous relationships to justify how something should be done, once again unrealistic! People put their best face on social media. After all it’s social media! Most people aren’t going to show the trials and tribulations they go through in their relationships. They want to portray an image of happiness. Don’t compare your relationship to any of this, your relationship is between you and your partner and you know how good or bad it is. Don’t bring more stress into your relationship by comparing it to what you see in movies and social media!
- IT’S OKAY TO DISAGREE AND HAVE OPPOSING VIEWS – Petar and I disagree on the daily. We are pretty much opposites. I am always on the run, fast fast fast, Petar on the other hand is lax, chill, takes his time. But it’s how you deal with disagreement that really fortifies your relationship. You have to learn to face the discomfort with being wrong, or taking a loss or whatever it may be. Let’s face it, sometimes you’re wrong! Admit it, don’t dwell, talk about it and move on. Don’t bring shit back from the past! Rule of thumb: if something pissed you off in the past that your partner did or didn’t do but you didn’t express it and expected your partner to read your mind, you don’t have the right to bring it up a year later! It’s over. Don’t hold shit over your partner. It’s not healthy, it’s not right and it only allows for resentment to fester. Not good!
- BE PATIENT – Sometimes I am working and Petar is next to me playing FIFA and I’m like WTF why isn’t he working on something or making himself useful instead of spending hours playing FIFA. Everyone does things at their own pace, I can’t expect him to be like me. So I let it be, he plays a few hours a FIFA then eventually he gets up and starts handling business. Don’t get pissed off because your partner isn’t going at your own pace, have patience!
- BE CUTE WITH EACH, VULNERABLE, HAVE FUN WITH EACH OTHER – If you look at the pictures below we are so corny with each other. We have our own language, we send each other puppies and dogs, cute things, jokes, etc.
- RESPECT AND TRUST – I have never yelled at Petar or cussed him out or talked shit to him or belittled him, made fun of him in front of his friends or loved ones, basically anything disrespectful! He has never done the same to me either. You can really tell when a partner does not have respect for the other, if they yell or cuss at their partner. Another sign of disrespect is when you are trying to have a conversation with your partner and they just tell you this conversation is over and I don’t want to talk about it anymore in the middle of trying to resolve it. This is low key manipulation! Trust is also very important. Once you make the relationship official you are trusting this person that they will not do you wrong. You should know the person you are getting involved with right? Without trust, there’s nothing.
- YOUR PARTNER IS NOT THE ENEMY – I see this all the time! Partner’s blaming each other and not taking accountability for their own actions! They create this false narrative to make themselves seem like a victim of their partner’s evil doing. Your partner is not the enemy so don’t think that they do things to spite you. Shift that mindset. Always pick the best case scenario. Most of the time it’s just a misunderstanding and a lack of communication. This is why communication is so important!
- WE ARE NOT MIND READERS – Do you expect your partner to just know what you are asking or what you want without telling them? Expect them to read your mind? This is impossible! If something is on your mind say it! Be expressive but not accusatory. This is a common issue! I tell Petar what’s on my mind without being accusatory, or disrespectful.
- BE THANKFUL – Thank your partner for being them. For loving you, for caring for you. Showing gratitude is important, because it acknowledges your partners efforts to make you feel loved and appreciated.
- HUG EVERY SINGLE DAY – Petar and I hug every single day. Can’t really put a number on it but it’s maybe 3-8 hugs a day. And I mean deep hugs, super hugs, hugs you hold for more than 30 secs! He’s my teddy bear! No but seriously he’s pretty snugly like the Downey fabric softener – his words not mine…told you he is corny but this shit made me laugh!
- ENGAGE YOUR PARTNER AND TAKE AN INTEREST IN WHAT THEY ENJOY – I like watching horror/supernatural movies and Petar could care less for them but he will sit down and watch a flick or two with me. Petar likes going on YouTube to watch cars or political videos, I could care less but I sit down and watch and engage myself with him and ask questions and learn. This shows that you care about them and their interests. Also goes hand in hand with being selfless.
- SUPPORT EACH OTHER – Petar and I always support each other but we also have discussions about pros and cons if we want to make a big decision.
- IT’S OKAY TO BE VULNERABLE – This shows that you truly trust your partner to listen to you without any judgement or retaliation.
- EMOTIONAL SUPPORT AND VALIDATION – Some people like hearing that they are loved and some show love through their actions. Whichever it may be, make sure that you know your partner’s type of emotional support. I need to be told through words so Petar makes it a thing to do that. I provide hugs and encouragement too haha. He enjoys the snugz, as he calls it. (He says that to make me laugh)
- FORGIVENESS – So important! If your partner fucks up, don’t hold a grudge. Forgive! It’s very important in a relationship. You can’t fester hate in your heart. You have no room for the positive affirmations of love and support if you harbor hatred or resentment in your heart. Trust me it blackens your soul LOL!
- VALUES – Communicate with your partner about your beliefs and values. Make sure they coincide with yours. I have seen it all the time people go into relationships with different values and wonder why it doesn’t out. Usually it’s because your values don’t align with your partner’s. Communication is important and I can’t stress that enough. To add to this, you can’t expect to change your partner. A lot of people go into relationships thinking they can eventually change their partner. This is the wrong mindset. Most people never change and if they do, they do it on their own for their own reasons and not because a partner is telling them they have to.
- GOD – Petar and I have a strong relationship with God and have faith that God will lead us on a righteous path. Do you and your partner have a similar belief. You may not believe in God but do you and your partner believe in something bigger than yourselves?
I feel to be successful in a relationship, you need to be okay with yourself. Love yourself, have matured, don’t bring your insecurities into the relationship. You need to have trust and don’t be accusatory! People over complicate relationships. They are simple. You should feel happy coming home from work to your partner. Petar is my best friend. He understands me, values me, respects me, makes me feel beautiful. I will leave you with this: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, IT KEEPS NO RECORDS OF WRONGS. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
Re-evaluate your relationship, are there some things you may need to change about yourself or that your partner may need change?
Below you will find a few glimpses into our conversations: